Claremont Church

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I have an enemy that cannot be seen. He is not really a secret but pride tells me that he is best kept from others. You see my enemy is doubt. He has nearly always been with me, crouching in the background, ready to pounce and wreck the cosiness of my life with his questions. I do not know exactly when my enemy first spoke to me, but I know what he said. It was quite simple and at the same time the very thing that would throw my secure life into disarray. He asked without invitation: “Are you so sure there is no God?” You see at this time I was living a carefree life, I was number one and I did as I pleased. I watched the days roll by with the nonchalance of youth by my side. But now he was there, asking: “Are you so sure there is no God, what if there is?” Whenever I forgot my enemy, usually on a Saturday night, up he would pop with his favourite subject, death.  How well he knew me! How easily he could wreck the status quo with his piercing questions!

If doubt has a gun, and I think he does, he loads it with fear to shoot at me. Anxiety would strike me with a dread only those who suffer from it know as it cannot be easily described.  This is not the angst of existence that some put on to show others how aware they are! This is real an uninvited horror that puts a tint of fear into everything. Many times in the small hours of the morning, doubt would shoot. I’d wake up with a shock with a dark dread. Hot and cold at the same time, sweaty palms and shacking with a dry throat and a lump that couldn’t be swallowed and no way to escape! Hold on, hold on, your not really dying! It was then that my enemy would come again with his old question, but in a different form now. “What if there is a God? What if there is an eternity and in it you will feel this dread for ever?”  Doubt, how well he knew me. After a while I learnt that dread was a common thing among many people. This helped, but dread was still a powerful ally of my enemy doubt and they struck me down often. They work together to bring me to my knees. They are a good team, but doubt is the master of the two. In the darkness he waits for his chance, he never sleeps or loses interest, he just waits. His chance soon came again such an opportunity; my enemy doubt certainly would not miss this one out. As we walked into the church carrying the coffin of my Grandfather the first of my close relatives to die the enemy walked in with us. My Grandfather a life long preacher lay in his coffin. It was then that my enemy spoke. “Are you so sure there is no God?” I found I could not answer with any conviction. “Maybe your Grandfather has found what he was looking for.” He said.  Something deep within me stirred something called. Maybe there is a God!

Conversion came like a storm churning up my life turning me about to face, for the first time the right way. Yes this was good! This was true! I can feel God’s presence! Ha doubt where are you now? Why you are dead and gone! Ironic don’t you think that the very doubts my enemy used to wreck my life actually ended up killing him, because if you know the truth how can there be doubt? Doubt you are a fool after all! To think that I used to fear you, yet like satan your doom comes because of the very things you inspire. How good life was now! To have meaning in life, forgiveness, a clean new beginning and a life without my old enemy doubt. One day a few weeks later I was speaking to a friend telling him of my new life. “How can you believe all that?” He said. “Evolution, that’s how we came to be! After all there are just too many coincidences that point to its truth.” These words stuck in my mind like an annoying tune that wouldn’t go away and the harder I tried the louder it got. That night, in the darkness, his word simmered in my mind.  Then, as if my friend’s words had caused some hideous resurrection up from the dead arose my old enemy! His purpose was still the same to wreck the cosiness of my life. He still has his piercing questions that hit with great tactical skill. In the darkness he opens his mouth. “Are you sure there is a God?” Doubt how well you know me. Why do you seek to wreck me? How arrogant and proud I was to think that I was beyond the reach of doubt. Yet back he came like an infection that you think is gone but is in fact still present waiting for a weak moment to flare up again. What can I do? Which way can I turn? For days and days I am in turmoil with no protection from my enemy. He aims his questions and fires. He never misses.  “Are you sure there is a God? How do you know? Where is your God? Doesn’t He hear your cries?” On and on he goes, tearing, wrecking, spoiling and the days grow dull and the nights black and long. In the darkness I am reminded of a promise. “Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find.” Like a cornered animal I go for the light. I know what to do; I will go on a quest. I will find God and when I do my enemy will bow before me! I shall be his master, and then he will be no more.

I begin my quest. I read my Grandfather’s books but these make little sense and I need more. So I go to find others who know about God. I find my Grandfather’s old church and speak to a man in a robe. He looks like he can point the way to God, I think to myself. “Will you help me?” I ask him. “I have an enemy called doubt and he is trying to wreck me!” I waited in utter expectation, but all he said was, “What can I do?” I pleaded with the robed man, “Show me the Father and that will be enough. Once I know God is there my enemy will be my slave.” He said “But what do you want to know?” I asked “Tell me about God and what happens when we die?”  “Oh I don’t know” he said. “That’s no use to me.” I said, “Tell me straight and plain, how can I know God is really there? Please tell me then my enemy will be no more!” “But I can’t.” said the robed man. “Why can’t you help?” I asked “Don’t you have any reason to believe?”  “But you ask the impossible.” He said. “I cannot help you.” As I leave I can hear my enemy laughing, mocking me and the robed man. “Do you think I am so easy to destroy?” he whispers. “You won’t be rid of me so easily, try again if you dare! Go on, or will you give up seeking for fear of not finding what you want? Go on I dare you!” Anger rages in me. “Don’t mock me doubt I’ll have you just wait and see! I shall seek till I find or die!” So my quest goes on. Has there ever been a more important quest? So much to lose and yet so much to gain. A simultaneous glorious hope and petrifying horror. Doubt is always there trying to catch me out. It’s like a nightmare. You know the one where something terrible and powerful is after you. You run but get nowhere. No escape and nowhere to hide. But this is no dream this is real more real than I sometimes dare to realise.

My quest brings me to Saltney Church to a man of God who has no robe. “Can you help me?” I ask. “I’m on a quest to find God. I have to find Him because He is my only hope. You see I have an enemy who is trying to wreck me, his name is doubt and only the truth of God’s existence can destroy him. Please show me the Father and that will be enough.” The man with no robe looks at me and says, “Yes I can help you.” I join the Church and learn the directions to God. Bible classes and sermons they all help me. Slowly my enemy seems to be getting weaker and weaker. He shudders at fulfilled prophecy and he cowers at the evidence of the resurrection. At last I have the faith to hold him off and stop him taking over. But the process is slow and I want to be rid of doubt now. The man with no robe tells me of a place where the Bible is taught intensively. This was the place for me! I will go to Bible College and there surely I will beat my enemy! Off to college what an adventure this quest is. I learn and learn. After a year I’m stronger. After two years I’m stronger still. Then with only one and a half terms to go I proudly think to myself how much I know. I have so much faith now, I would willingly die for it! You know the higher up you think you are the further you have to fall to where you really are. The fall came when a man simply told me that intellectually one cannot know whether God exists or not. This was what my enemy was waiting for. Back he came more real than before sweeping away all my proofs. His mouth opens with a sickening certainty and he says, “Are you sure there is a God?” It was as if my logical reasons for belief were not valid anymore. How could this be I was so sure. Doubt how well you know me. Will you never leave me alone? I pick myself up I’m not lost yet. My commitment keeps me going. But why do I doubt? I know the same things as I did before! Could it be that my enemy is just an emotion a mere irrational feeling? In the darkness I literally stretch out my hand, “Touch me Jesus, show me you’re there with an act of power.” But there is nothing only silence. My quest still goes on. It will never end in this life. I know my enemy doubt will always be with me trying to pull me down. Never the less I will keep going on my quest for the truth. Like Oedipus, I will seek even though the truth may destroy me. I must know who I am. Then my enemy will be lost.

A while later a man came to see me. “Can you help me?” He said, “I want to know about God, do you know where He can be found?” I said “Come on in I can indeed help you.” I told the man all the evidences for God that I had found on my quest. “Yes I believe!” He said, and then added. “But tell me how do you know so much?” I told him that I had been on a quest for years. “What kind of quest?” He asked. I replied. “A quest to find God, you see I have doubt that pushes me on in my quest; whenever I get settled and complacent up he comes with his questions making me search and learn about God.” The man looked at me with envy. “I wish I had a friend like that to help me on my way.” Staggered at his mistake I said, “Friend, friend? Please you misunderstand me doubt is not my friend he is my lifelong enemy and I hate him!” “How can you say that?” Said the man “Just imagine where you would be now if it was not for doubt! Why you may still be living the unexamined life, a life you now know is not worth living!” You know the truth sometimes has a way of appearing like a sudden flash. As I sat back in my chair I was oblivious to the man near me. The truth of the matter hit me like a ball hits a pane of glass shattering what seemed to be so solid so fixed. The truth is that doubt is not, was not and never will be my enemy. Of all things he is my friend! It was he that woke me from my atheistic slumber. And once I had found the truth it was he that kicked me into action. Whenever I became lax and lazy he caused me to seek this made me stronger and now enables me to help others who also want the truth. It was he that showed me that I really do need and want God. When doubt threw out all my logical reasons for belief, I was left with the only one thing that kept me going. The fact that I wanted God to be there! With doubt I can almost throw off my existential tendency to be subjective. He helps me find the truth in all matter of things. From now on whenever I need to decide the truth of something I will call upon my old friend. I shall open the door to him and welcome him in. “Come in,” I will say, “sit with me a while and let us discuss the matter objectively.” This is something I could never do without him.  You see without doubt I could believe almost anything without question and be deceived. Doubt my old friend how well you know me never leave me! “Are you alright?” said the man near me. “Oh yes I was just thinking.” I replied.  “Yes I believe!” said the man to me then he added. “But how can I be sure God is there?” I smiled and said “I see you too have a friend. He is called doubt. Let us thank God you have a friend called doubt!”

Mike Hallows